nipgad

2006-09-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

2006-03-12T17:20:00.000-08:00

STEP 1

During my early years in college, envy and competition ruled over me. I could not help myself but create a conclusion within me that the community, probably, was already expecting too much from me with regard the academic aspect. Because of that, I found myself working under pressure and with envy at others’ success to the extent of going beyond the limitations as well as leaving others’ concerns behind. Indeed, I got good grades and good impressions from the rest, but deep within me, I realized, there was superficiality. With this burden, I approached the Lord for help and He granted me the silence of heart to realize that I’ve already been too far from seeing the real meaning of education, i.e., to learn for life.
With that, I was able to associate the experience with some few lines of a song which says that, “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me.” With God’s continuous assistance, the rest of the years went smooth and calm. However, as I experienced the first few weeks in Theology, I really sensed that ‘history repeats itself’. In one of our classes in Church History, it was mentioned that history (negative side) would keep on repeating until the people learn from happened in the past. So, it could be that after being “struck by cannon balls”, I was not able to “get to bed” totally.
God, in His overflowing goodness, would have really wanted me to realize so many things. But the problem was on me as the pray-er, whose “unreadiness” of self and lack of self-patience hindered me to be still. But this time, an experience of deep reflection in prayer moved me to examine, though with difficulty, the “inner ground…in my deepest self” (from Thomas Merton). Yet, along the process, it was indeed very difficult for me to be still because of the vast distractions. Thanks to Spiritual Direction, I was able to realize that such ‘potential enemies’ could become allies, if handled properly. Thanks be to God, I was then able to realize that I should have acknowledged God for my brothers’ giftedness and success rather than being envious and overly concerned with unhealthy competition. Moreover, as a Christian and as a future priest, formation should not just be a learning for my own life; it must also be imparted for the Church and for the greater glory of God.
To end this reflection, I would like to share a wonderful reflection from a text message: “Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only with a quiet mind will we be able to hear God’s whisper in our hearts.”

2006-03-12T17:19:00.000-08:00

STEP 2

Let me focus my reflection on our college seminary context. During those early years, I recognized a culture common among the elders in our community for several terms. Superiority was the stuff. Gaps between them and the young ones were felt. Aside from the bell, our elder (beadle) would even shout and bang our doors in order to wake us up. Later on, as I searched deeply upon the reasons of such attitudes among our elder brothers, I came to see that these attitudes were likely the effects of the initiations that were done during their time (it was abolished after a new rector came; and so we were not able to experience such acts of fraternity anymore). Because of that orientation, they thought that such acts were suitable ways in dealing with relationships and managing discipline.
The succeeding terms were still influenced by such culture; and there was no big deal of concern in my part. All things went that way until the 2nd Semester of my junior year when I was elected as the Community Elder (General Beadle). Now it turned out to be a pressure on my part, first of all because it would be a heavy task for me to undertake. One of the roles of an elder was to help in the disciplinary matters and if there are misconducts like noise among seminarians, his attention would be called. And so, in the presence of such tasks, the influence of culture among elders still haunted and tempted me.
Aside from that, every seminarian displayed an attitude of his own in accordance to the orientation he learned from his family and environment. That is why physical brawls and petty battle of words are common among the group.
In all of these, I could have used my power and authority to silence them, but my attitude made it difficult for me to do, being a calm and silent type of person. And so questions arose: “How, then, could I manage discipline if my characteristics are just too subtle to face different especially tough attitudes? How can I handle my office without showing any kind of abuse of power? How can I break the dividing wall of gap in relationship between levels? Thanks be to God, with the help of prayers and reflection and guidance through spiritual direction (who served as “cannon balls” for me), I was convinced that in my office, I really just have to be myself, for as with God who works in mysterious ways, this attitude of mine could be an avenue to overcome the dominant systems. Indeed, using the attitudes that I have from God, I tried my best to show no sign of harsh treatments and was able to deal with my tough brothers – which in the end, though how subtle I was with them, I still gained respect and most especially the longed, “no-barrier” friendship with each of them.
Indeed, how good is the Lord! I could still remember how this event had led me to appreciate more the words of St. Paul, “Do not be overcome by evil, but rather, overcome evil with good.”

2006-03-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

STEP 3

I was already 7 years old when our youngest brother was born. Already growing within the early stage of consciousness, I was aware of the events of his life from childhood up to this present time. It was during his childhood years when I first noticed his generosity. I could not forget those moments when every time our mother baked a cake, though she really tried to keep the thing within the family (of course she’s willing and even share every so often but sometimes, the stuff would not be enough for the rest in the community), we would just be surprised to hear from our brother that his friends would like to taste the food.
Our immediate reaction was that, we turned to be a little bit annoyed at my brother, asking him how his friends knew about it. Thus, it created prejudices (the ‘HA’ for me) inside my mind – that my brother then was a boastful kid, arrogant enough to inform his friends; and his friends, on the other hand, were shameless kids who didn’t even show a drop of sensitivity. To console my self, I just then try to understand (the ‘AHA’ for me) that such an attitude, as with the other kids also, could just be a manifestation of his childhood stage. It would just pass away, I thought. It was later that I realized that his friends really were innocent of what my mother was doing. It was then his own initiative of telling her that his friends were hungry. He really just want to share the food. It really struck me, but still, my mind was still thinking that he was still a kid, and there are still so many things that could happen - he would probably change in the process.
Years have passed, and now he is already a lad, a young man. Indeed, many things have changed a lot. Now, he turns out to be a dancer and a sports player; wastes some time in computer stations playing games; and even do some healthy hangouts with friends (that’s why he often goes home late and thus, reprimanded by our parents) with influences from the culture of this generation. But as a best friend and brother who knows his little brother’s life very well, I am certainly sure that there remains within my brother’s heart his acts of generosity. They are there strong and alive. I would just smile every time our parents complain about how my brother converts his extra shirts, caps and other stuffs into give-aways as if Christmas is a yearlong celebration. I firmly believe that he’s doing that not to boast of himself but simply to share what he has with his friends. Our father would just be so glad to give him some money during his birthdays because my brother is so generous enough to treat his classmates at school and prepare food for them to enjoy at home. Just recently, with my father, he brought with him, from Cebu, some Christmas presents, though cheap but valuable, for his classmates/friends, even for my self, (imagine, at his very young age!).
In all of these, I wholeheartedly conclude that such a very generous heart is God’s gift infused into his inmost being. He could not just let go of it for it is a central and deep attribute of his life. No matter how the modern culture (affects the external objectivity) has influenced him, the ‘AH’ really just comes out of him. This is how I reflected upon the third step about how faith moves in deepest wonder. By his example, I really can’t equate the truthfulness of his being as a generous person with external objectivity. As Pascal says, “the heart has its reasons of which the reason knows nothing”. My brother’s gift from God makes me proud of him and from him I draw a great taste of inspiration.

2006-03-12T17:04:00.000-08:00

STEP 4

There were times when I witness certain attitudes of some guardians who, during mealtime, include the image of Jesus in the line of horrific creatures just to urge their kids to consume the food. Such intention could have been just a petty and immediate action, but in a deep sense, it may disturb a kid and instill in his mind the notion of a strict God, a Spy who punishes after every sin or tragedy.
I do have that attitude also; an attitude that was brought up from childhood. In agreement to what the author had mentioned, I would say that despite the fact how formation has helped me nourish self in acknowledging a God of love, I could not deny the fact that a kernel of such attitude still haunts me. Moreover, as I read the pages, I also came to meet the other strange gods with their corresponding titles just as how people perceive them. With that, I was able to reminisce some experiences not just of other people but also of my own since I, too, have been struggling in finding ways to escape from the false gods within. During times of pressure, I often couldn’t help but manipulate God as a Vending Machine though I really strive to put myself in the silence of my heart in order to see things undistorted. So, when things go wrong, he would be one among those who would be blamed. As I reflected upon it, I later realized that I should have done my part rather than murmuring against Him in order to settle things in harmony. But in a deeper perspective, there could be more than such realization, and a story that I’ve read was found to be of great help for me to deepen. It was about a survivor of a shipwreck who was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly to God for help. Already tired of waiting any rescue, he managed to build to hut to protect him. But to his surprise, upon returning home after looking for food, everything was lost due to the fire that consumed his hut and possessions. With grief and anger, he blamed God for it. But out of his knowledge, he woke up the following day to find out that the smoke served as a signal for the rescuers. As Gallagher puts it, “Mystery invites us to acknowledge, not that something cannot be understood, but rather that it is too rich for mere understanding.”
Indeed, in my own limitations, struggles in life led me to associate God with false images. But because God said, “ I will never leave you or forsake you” (Heb.13:5) in times of worries and frustrations, the mystery of the love of God was revealed so much more than what I only comprehended. I just couldn’t imagine myself how I managed to grumble against Him, that beyond my understanding, the Lord was already working within me as a rescue responding to a smoke signal. Isn’t the cross event sufficient enough for me to acknowledge the greatest manifestation of the mystery of the words, “I love you” (John 3:16 & John 13:34)? “Why do I still complain?” Isn’t that because I failed to realize that “mystery calls for reverence and a spirit of true worship?” I think so.
Indeed, how important prayer was for me! It was in prayer that I learned how to appreciate silence in order to see things undistorted and be able to listen deeply to the words of Go. From it, I realized how God responded to the “smoke signals” during times when my “little huts were burning to the ground,” that somehow ended up into comparing God with false images. The help, I realized, didn’t just come out in an instant, for even until now, in the deep pains of my life, the grace of God still manifests, “one set of footprints” in the sand. Then what is it? My seminary formation is indeed a dynamic process that gradually forms me from the academic to the spiritual aspect (from the learning I gained during talks, etc.), from the inspiration I draw from my parents, priests, co-seminarians and from the families and individuals I met in different apostolate areas, rich and poor alike – isn’t all of these a clear manifestation of a loving God! Many things, I’m sure, will still come my way, and so I remain to be a “formandus” under the One, Living “Formatus”. Now, do I still have to associate God with false images? I don’t think so; but still a great challenge for me to strive. God is LOVE!

2006-03-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

STEP 5

I could still remember how my grandpa, uncle and brother inspired me to pursue my desire to learn to play guitar. Along with those laborious moments of conquering patience and bearing swollen fingers, I still had the zeal to continue. In the process, I soon realized how a handful of simple strokes turned later into an instrument for others to sing their hearts out, be inspired and give praise to God. I had been into playing the guitar with different walks of life – from small groups to large ones. And every time I played the instrument with and for them, I really felt satisfied and fulfilled, though it may seemed non-sense and ordinary for them to see that deep implication. Simply having that ability to strum was for me a great fulfillment to the point of deciding not to practice anymore for I already had enough of that. With that, I even inflicted boastful smiles whenever I saw those who were still trying very hard to learn.
In all of these, it seemed to show that I was already on the peak. But the question is, “Was it over?” No, it wasn’t over. Rather, it was but the beginning of a restlessness that if it were not searched in the silence of my heart, would be very hard to locate and surface because it was hideously and unnoticeably manifested and experienced within my very being. It was a restlessness that made me pause for a while because it brought me to review such talents that which I greatly depended upon and considered as sufficient; so I thought it could stand alone without any need of assistance. Yes, I then realized that I just took such things for granted and without any value.
Now it had awakened me, it brought me to realize that within the façade of luscious and fat-pig outer image of a piggy bank, there remains a vast, dark and hollow space that needs to be filled with coins. I soon became hungry for “coins”. I didn’t know and realize that the many times I complained against or refused those who pled for my help to play the guitar with and for them, clearly corresponds to such hunger. Yes, in such efficiency of talent, I could have done such requests easily and wholeheartedly. But why did I still feel restless, tired or selfish in the showing such talents. It was then that I realized that such hunger was a “holy longing”, a weariness that led me to God’s breast (based on George Herbert’s poem). With the presence of such talents I believed that God was with me, but I was not with Him; been in love with my talents so much that I had missed noticing the Source of such gifts (based on St. Augustine’ words in his Confessions). If only I had seek the Author and ask for the grace of nourishment and the grace of letting me acknowledge my mission, I could have been very eager and enthusiastic to humbly show my talents and share with others what He had freely and unconditionally given me. That’s why, I couldn’t settle for peace though how really tried my best, due to the fact that I was still under a “fugitive’s freedom”. It really pushed me to seek the One who bestows the total nourishment; the true “Bread” that really satisfies.
In our context as Filipinos, though how we eat many pieces of bread, our stomachs would still long for rice and “ulam” because we Filipinos are born to sustain our bodies with such meal that we consider as the “summit” of nourishment among all foods.
Indeed, hunger for the true Bread of Life leads us to fix our eyes intently, devotedly, and willingly on Him, that even though obstacles and dangers along the winding road could leave us exhausted and with difficulty, reaching the Truth at the “summit of the mountain” is not impossible.
“You satisfy the hungry heart with gift of finest wheat; come give to us, O saving Lord, the bread of life to eat” (Kreutz). Thanks be to God!

2006-03-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

STEP 6

I had an observation that was deeply rooted in my mind for a very long time already. It even led me into reflection. I already shared this with some few people but never put such into writing…until I read Step 6. I believed that this present Step is the proper place fit for me to show and share with others this concealed realization of mine.
Aside from spending sometime watching my favorite shows and movies on television whenever I’m at home during vacations, I also check out Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel. I can’t help but get fascinated and attracted on their presentations especially with regard to the arts of nature. They provide not just new information but also and most especially, invite me to deeper sense of wonder and eventually lead me into reflection and deep realization.
Though beyond the reach of human eyes, scientists sow deeper into anthills just to discover the fact that ants are busy creatures that do things and collect food in cooperation with each other. Beyond man’s concern, mother birds on trees and shores keep circling around their nets to protect their young. Beyond man’s biases, lions at the African desert not just hunt food for their young, but also play with them as well as teach them how to hunt. Besides the noise and complexities in urban streets, lies a pitcher plant in the middle of a forest – so subtle in waiting for insects to slip into, then be its food. The different marvelous nature landscapes scattered all over the world, seem to reflect the creativity of the art of beauty. Aren’t all these things amazing? People do not just see and appreciate them on TV screens and printed stuffs; they also experience them with their bare senses in most of their ordinary living. ”Wow!” seemed to be the common expression upon seeing beautiful works of art such as the white beaches in Dapitan and the Christmas tree presented by St. Francis of Assisi Sub Community of SJVT Seminary.
Then, out of these realities, a deep question arises, “ In all such splendor, who made all these things? Yes, some creations are made by man, but who made man and all these natural wonders?” viewing St. Thomas’ approach on Efficient Causality, we reach into the presence of the Uncaused Cause, who is God, the Creator. From the God who is Love, Beauty, Truth and Goodness, came forth a vast creation that constantly expresses more than a collection of atoms.
However, if we are going to look at the whole picture more closely, such a start “from the real world…becomes a springhead for deep reflection.” For it is then that I realized that the reality of creation doesn’t simply end by simply knowing who the Creator is, but a good start for one to recognize a message out of such questions like, “Is there a pattern behind existence itself? Why are we here? Why does the world exist at all? Must it have some origin and some purpose?” Then, I realized how the existence of such creations bears a deep message in connection to the existence of man. The case of the poker game somehow carries a message about a pattern that is depicted behind existence itself. Isn’t it a pattern to see the cooperation portrayed by the ants; the parental care portrayed by the mother birds; the innate goodness portrayed by the lions despite their fierce image? In short, there’s a pattern of good values depicted by such creatures that we, human beings, give less regard. And for me, this seemed-to-be-less-noticed picture points to enlighten the questions which ask about the reason, origin and purpose of man, as well as of the world’s existence. Since God made all of creation, so we human beings, as creation, share in His beauty, love and, truth and goodness and therefore, show such innate attributes to other creatures despite the lure of sin.
And isn’t it a great gift for us to know “how much more important you are than the birds” (Luke 12:24b)? See how a pitcher plant manages to survive in greatest subtlety. Yet, the obstacle of sin or hardship is itself a great challenge for me to firmly hold on and embrace the life with having Jesus at the center. It is then that “our appetite for his revelation is whetted, our thirst for his grace is awakened” (Hugh Montefiore).
“…You’ve made me and remade me, and bestowed on me all the things I have, and still I do not know you. I have not done that for which I was made. O lord, my God, teach my heart where and how to seek you… for I can not see you unless you teach me…” (From the song entitled Teach my Heart of St. Anselm).

2006-03-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

STEP 7

It was the last Wednesday afternoon before Pastoral Day. I informed my students that the February 5 event would be the culminating activity of the apostolate. “Why end that early?” seemed to be the dominant question. Yet, in spite of that, they were still very thankful for the favor of having introduced to them the values and teachings of Christ. Such expressions of gratitude were concretely manifested through the souvenir items they surprisingly gave to me (as well as to my fellow companions from their respective classes). Moreover, my students even included an article about it into their class’ newsletter, like these words: “Every Wednesday is no ordinary day for us Kendallians because of our Catechism session.”
It was the context of these students that made me realize a call of conscience. These students who showed great importance and value towards Catechism were intellectually-able scholars studying in a school promoting quality-wise education. Due to academic demands and the lure of technology that keep on going with today’s youth, they tend to give less regard to the spiritual needs of the inner self and could no longer speak about personal values, thus, leading to the suppression of love, peace and reconciliation to whatever struggle they had committed within the self and with others. The very way they opened up themselves and even insisted for an extension of time, with the zeal to stay and participate (by the fact that Catechism was scheduled after the last class in the afternoon for only 30-45 minutes from 5 PM onwards), made me realize the importance and need of evangelization for the youth of today. As a seminarian, catechist and lector, I was moved; deep in my heart were the inspiration and enthusiasm to move on with the challenge.
Then, the struggle began. A month ago, the Apostolate Junior earnestly asked me to give a recollection, but I refused. At first, I hesitated because deep within me I encountered the “twofold struggle of good and evil.” An inquiry similar to the question, “What am I going to do now that I have heard the cry of need?” made a close attempt to accept the offer because this could be the right thing for me to actualize the challenge. Even in my mind, I already had presented a draft of possible topics in case of emergency. But still, egoism dominated. I was really worried because that would be my first time to give a recollection, and so was plagued to think of the lapses I would probably and possibly commit. Then emerge a question like, “If I decide to accept the offer, is the decision a product of reflection or just a fruit of envy at my brothers who are used in giving recollection?” Such battle of views pushed me to refuse the offer.
However, the struggle didn’t stop there. The battle between good and evil kept disturbing. The call of conscience got heavier in my eyes. “What shall I do?” then, I remembered the first Step – there was already too much noise within me. So from there, progressed the silence of heart towards reflection. Several weeks later, I came to a decision. I volunteered myself willing to handle a recollection. While preparing the modules with prayer, my heart was full of excitement and enthusiasm. From it, I felt a “new conscience” – a response adapted to a “wider world” bigger than the self.
At the morning of the recollection, I was so happy and thankful because all went well and smooth. However, during the sharing period in the afternoon, a girl, after having shared a sad experience within the family, suddenly fainted. I immediately thought of bringing her to the clinic, but the teachers decided to bring her to the faculty room. What worried me all the more was that, it was already too late for to know that she had heart trouble that, according to her classmates, a similar event happened before, because of over joy, i.e., she experienced too much laughter. I couldn’t figure the complex mixed feelings of emotions within me during that time, an emotion filled with tension and fear. I prayed to God and (thanks be to God), in a little while, she was fine. Though I managed to change the matter of the topic and still ended the recollection prayerfully in the course of peace and reconciliation, the particular event still bothered me. After the recollection, I was so terribly tired and drained with only a lump of energy left, quite enough to reach the door of my room. As soon as I recovered enough energy, I was moved to pause for quite a while. I t was then during that time that the demon of guilt controlled my being: “I should have asked the class about their health context before the recollection. I should have not expected much and allowed a peek of “aggressive intellect” to overtake God’s action. I should have been careful in dealing with my ‘idealism’ with them with regard to the presentation. I should have not experienced such a ‘traumatic’ one since it was my first experience of giving a recollection by myself. I was full of expectations…yet spoiled.”
Invaded by guilt, fear and anger within me, such expressions displayed an indirect question towards God as to why He allowed such things to happen. Indeed, to stay faithful to that experience of struggle was really hard. Again, there was noise within me, and from such noise from the demon of guilt and blame, came forth those complicated expressions. So I decided to calm myself and settle things in prayer. I cried before the Lord as I pled for the grace of healing and mercy. Thanks be to God, for after reading the line, “but I am doing something – I made you”, I also felt, deep within me, this answer from God. Indeed, faith (for Newman) was never a conclusion but always a “message, or a history, or a vision.” The experience was really a message of faith, a real and concrete test for the nourishment of trust (faith). Yes, it was history, yet from such history came forth the basis for renewal, growth and development of the spirit. It was a vision to continue to the journey; to rise up from the fall. The experience would just be a foretaste of the heavier issues that will come my way. Though I live in the midst of struggles from within to beyond my self, God, in his gracious assistance, is doing something – He made me to continue the undertaking of evangelization for the greater glory of His name. Nourish within me your amazing grace O Lord! Amen.

2006-03-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

STEP 8

The gift of Spirit is so common and ordinary that many people just ignore or forget, unless they are reminded, to recognize the importance of breath as a source of life. Though these people tend to forget about the breath thing, many of them still have the the experience of Spirit through acknowledging God and manifesting His love through actions when they, in the depths of their hearts, recognize the privilege of being given the gift of life; and though in the midst of difficulties, still strive to continue the works of love in everyday living.
From the early years of my life until now, countless experiences in daily living portray the sense of Spirit. With love, the sense of divine presence is felt though I could not fathom or explain such flow of events happening deep inside me: the lightness of my soul, smoothness of events, and a burning zeal that urges me to show love in/during the particular action – are felt and perceived deep within my inmost being. Allow me to share some of these experiences. With these stories, readers may then seem to look at me as arrogant and boastful, but that is not the intention of my mind and heart to write these stories of mine. I may have kept them secret and personal in my journal notebook, but for several reasons evoke the value of sharing them. One is that, memories of past experiences were awakened and were found suitable to present as I read the present Step. Secondly and more deeply, there was then an inner drive within me to share how the overwhelming sense of the Spirit was felt in the ordinary course of time. Aside from that, this could be an opportunity for me to express, though writing them here, my deepest gratitude to the Lord who constantly displays His unconditional and unfathomable love.
A common attitude among seminarians is that, they are fond of forming circles during pastimes, and within these social gatherings are informal talks about anything, from silence to war, as well as, jokes and teases within members present in the circle. I really enjoy myself joining such informal gatherings. But what makes me wonder is that, most of the times, in the course of teases and jokes pointed on me, a smile still is still painted on my face. I could have spoiled the summit of laughter by either striking them foul words or kicking them straight or initiate brawls (I viewed that many times during gatherings like these), but I could not, for there is a great sense of (could-be) patience or something of a deep divine intervention coming into my midst that I, in such moment, could not directly explain. All I feel is lightness and a sense of calmness within my heart and such a good feeling brings me to feel a sense of the Spirit working within.
Here’s another story of mine: I was already at school just few minutes before the Catechism session would start. However, deep in my mind, I was still not convinced and sure about the quantity and quality of the lesson that I set to share with my students. Certain prior circumstances took place over the love that I had for the apostolate. I was worried then, for I felt I was not ready. So, I decide to simply yet prayerfully present with my whole heart and accept whatever the result would be. Then, with my heart pounding as they pointed their direction towards me, a few of them asked me if we could just play and organize a game at the school grounds since it would be the last Wednesday afternoon before the start of the semestrial break, and they felt that it would be a memorable one. For a few seconds, I wasn’t able to decide immediately because there was a deep hesitation: “ I don’t understand. Am I going to agree with them, or proceed to my plan in the classroom? I am not used to such activities; isn’t that just a waste of time?” As I agreed, went on to play and enjoyed each other’s company, I, in a deep sense of joy and thanksgiving in my heart, later realized that there was a sense of the Spirit working within the course of the activity. Yes, it was indeed memorable. It was indeed the right thing and decision the Lord had given. I couldn’t help but give thanks to God. But that experience was only one among the many experiences I passed in the whole course of the apostolate. There were also times when I feel so dry, incomplete and unsatisfied; I considered my limitations and unworthiness. But what struck me the most was that (as what I had written in the previous Step), during the culmination, the students really expressed their deep gratitude and heartwarming evaluation because of the experience of God in their lives. As I pondered upon it after the event, I really wondered and could not explain why and how these students arrived into such evaluations in view of the fact that the Wednesday moments were composed of ups and downs. Then I realized that in the whole course of events, there was a sense of the Spirit and His initiative behind me as His instrument. And deep within me, I could not fully grasp the mystery of His love that implanted that impact into the hearts of the students despite the limitations they saw in the instrument.
I also found this awesome experience with the Spirit similar to another past experience when I was still in my fifth year in college. During our first monthly recollection of the school year, we were asked to evaluate each of our brothers by choosing which among the ranks from (5 to 1) fits him best as regards his relationship with each person as well as with the community. As soon as we finished the activity, it turned out that the no. 5, in my sheet, took the highest among the other ranks. Upon realizing the result, I was struck and shaken into silence. I could not believe it, I felt unworthy to have this result, I should have turned arrogant and boastful at that very moment, but they weren’t able to penetrate, because deep in my being was the unworthiness. I felt so ashamed that after discovering the result, I immediately kept it inside my journal notebook and didn’t have the gut to raise my hand as our recollection master asked who got the highest number of the “Excellent” among the community. I just kept silent. Yes, deep in my heart was a burning flame of thanksgiving words to God, but still there was wonder. I could not explain why it resulted to be like that. All throughout my college years, yes, I always wanted to manifest the God-given gifts to my brothers, but there were also numerous times of mistakes and offenses. “How come they didn’t see or remember such things during the recollection activity?” I really could not explain or understand. Later, I realized in my reflection that behind all the events that had happened, there was really an experience of the Spirit within, only that I wasn’t able to recognize such work as I went through the process because the passing of days were yet to ordinary and common.
The experience of the Spirit moved me to grasp new dimensions and pointers as I continue my journey towards such possibilities of faith. As I reminisced such experiences in life, in them, I met hardships and downfalls and even greater sufferings as I gradually move on in striving to manifest the innate love towards others. Yes, I greatly considered both the recollection event as an inspiration towards building relationship with different kinds of people as well as my present experiences in the apostolate as a challenge for me to respond to the needs of my brothers and sisters in this present generation. However, as I experiences things in response to the challenge, new yet heavier trial often tempt me to give up to the challenge. But, in spite of that, the sense of the Spirit could not just be left unexpressed; I really could not just let go of such sense; the power of the Spirit would always prevail. Downfalls are there but the Spirit still encourages and invites me not to give up but to move on to what I considered as inspiration and challenge. I deeply felt the Spirit constantly reminding and calling me to always put my trust in Him. Just as the Lord, in his salvific plan, never abandoned Joseph from the course of being sold by his brothers up to becoming a powerful master over Egypt, so will the Lord be, through the grace of the Holy Spirit for He said that, “ I will never leave you or forsake you “ (Heb. 13:5b).

2006-03-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

STEP 9

I learned so many things this year: from the aspects of human formation up to the pastoral side. As I looked back the years that I’ve been through, I could really say that there was indeed a gradual change happening along the process. Before I got involved into the learning process that I gradually experience in the seminary particularly, before I discovered the richness not just of the Gospel stories presented in this present Step, but also of the numerous presentations in the Scriptures, my approach to them seemed so minimal that only the clear and immediate values (usually found at the concluding part) were considered important.
In the Nathaniel story, what I only recognized was the power of Jesus on how he knew where Nathaniel was. And in the Bartimaeus story, I remembered that as I used this story during one of my personal prayer sessions in my room, I cried because I was so struck at how Bartimaeus persistently called Jesus for help. Yes, they were not that shallow perceptions of mine but good areas in my reflection because I also recognized their faith-expressions. Now that as I gradually move forward having new discoveries, realizations and furnishings with me in my journey, the sail of my mind and heart goes wider and deeper (though trials also move hard in the course of time). Particularly, I realized that the three stories presented in the Step, same as with the rest of the events and lines in the Scriptures, portray very rich messages of truth for all to savor. Yes, there may always be struggles in dealing with the factual and historical approach of the texts. But with the Holy Spirit, the gospel stories are “forever being rewritten” or “experienced as stories of power” in the present (as Gallagher puts it). That is why, I am really very thankful for having with me companions such as my formators and books of inspired authors, for through these “Philips”, I learned how enriching it is to “come and see” God’s love stories. Through them, I am able to feel the mystery of the great love of the Father through Christ encounter, i.e., through a way of hearing his Word in the Gospels. I learned that in the Gospel stories, as the book made a clear presentation, the character’s faith encounters with Christ were not instant. It involved a deep process of formation. And with that, I realized that their stories were also my stories, in all their details: from the things that they held, actions that they did, the words that they spoke, and the place or environment where they settled (that without the help of the book as my “Philip”, such things will only be considered, just like before, irrelevant, unnecessary and devoid of message). The message was indeed very rich; it invited me into deep moments of reflection. It is because, I too have experiences of emptiness, unsteadiness and skepticism into fullness, steadiness and seeing in some ways despite the lure of resistant struggle and trials. After recognizing the similar flow among the stories, I consider that this Step would now be the suitable place for me to present the important events of my vocation journey.
The seminarian who help a vocation campaign in our school and the 100% support from my family and friends were the “Philips” who invited me to ‘come and see’ the vacation to the priesthood. There was really a sense of interest and encouragement as I felt it within, such that, a sleeping desire was awakened. There was an inner ‘shout’, as of Bartimaeus’. But there was ‘noise’ within, a crowd that was telling me to keep quiet; a group of Nathaniels who turned the zeal into doubt: the worries of not having been an acolyte or just a member of any religious organization in our parish, thus being so passive and with a “tabularasa” in Liturgy; the unworthiness felt upon considering limitations; the lure of a girl; and a parallel invitation to pursue an engineering course with exams passed – manifest a “you have no bucket” approach. Still, I ‘shouted’ even more. Then, an action came. Just as Jesus stopped for Bartimaeus as well as approached Nathaniel who awakened their hope and evoked new life and new courage, Jesus, in my story, brought me into the seminary.
It was then that I threw the ‘beggar’s cloak’, i.e., the worldly loads, only to hear the ‘words’ both Nathaniel and Bartimaeus received from Christ – these were the trials that I experienced. I was so enthusiastic to show my talents in playing the guitar in a mass only to hear a direct correction from the minister right in front of the congregation. Overcoming the ‘noise’ of the low self-worth that was felt within (which resulted in frequent refusals as regards apostolic availability as seen on the previous step), I ‘shouted’ even more by leaving the ‘cloak’ after being challenged by the Catechism experience – only to experience the unexpected. Thus, another Nathaniel was born: “can anything good come out of me?” seemed to be the similar question. Such experiences brought me to discouragement; my self-worth was damaged and my faith turned cold. The ‘argumentativeness’ of the woman occurred within.
What shall I do? Then there was an invitation to prayer and deep reflection from the ‘Philips’ around. Then and there I realized that prayer indeed invited me to truly ‘come’ with my whole self and ‘see’ with the eyes of my heart. It was an encounter with Christ. It was on this encounter that I was reminded of my suppressed ‘fig trees’ – the hidden treasures, the good news behind the bad news. I realized that I still have within me (and still growing) the talents and abilities from which God gave me as a privilege, unique as my own. And the most important point was that, such encounter in different situations yet similar points enabled me to realize that it was the love of God, His gift ‘from above’ that carried me and sustained me all the way despite the pains. I am sure that without that love from God that sustains me and never leaves me even up to this present time, I “would never have evoked the response of ‘seeing’ in faith…’You are the Son of God!” (Gallagher, John 1: 49)
Struggles will always be chasing. But with that love of God in me as a gift , the questions that sense as tests and confirmation of my faith’s ‘yes’ will always be answered by, “let me see again (with my eyes and heart)”. Jesus would then say, “Go, your faith has made you well” (Mt. 10:51-52). Isn’t that a rich reason for me to move on? What a gift of love! Hence, a human yes to a divine yes of love. It is from Christ’s love that faith grows and is nourished and sustained; a love so rich that in one’s emptiness, with the ‘yes’ recognition of love and constant trust and ‘holding on’, such a gift of love offers a fullness that brims over our hearts.

2006-03-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

STEP 10

Many times in my life do I hear people call me a good person. Right directly in my ears, I usually hear such remark from those whom I met or stayed with during month-long summer pastoral exposures, in schools and in our community from relatives and companions. This must have been the dominant value they saw in me as I stayed with them. Yes, deep within me, as well as with the rest, were a set of such basic values and I am deeply thankful for having this gift of love from God through my parents who nurtured me (as well as my 2 brothers) this way. That is why I really strive to deal friendly relations with others and do work responsibly, and I am happy doing them despite the struggles. Such remarks from people seemed very flattering; this could have led me to boast myself. However, I was able to recognize it as a ‘fig tree’ in me. There was, indeed, a yes to a divine yes of love, the love of God manifested in the Christ encounter. So far, things were going soft having experienced the love-gift “from above” and love for others.
‘Now the were turned.’ In the course of maintaining the image, there came one time when in the summit of breaking down the patience, I released a striking statement in quite a high voice towards a batch mate after some misunderstandings. The event led me to pause for a while. The people who had heard that reaction must have been scandalized. The image of a good person they saw in me must have been spoiled after the experience. And for the person whom I struck that time was so deeply hurt; it landed a deep impact on him. Why? Because I am a silent person and I am not really used to do such acts. They must have been surprised for they didn’t probably expect that thing in me.
The event even led me to think that I should have not been remarked as a good person for I was not really worthy of it. That would just be a disgrace. I thought I was already fully-packed in the ‘down and out love’ manifestation, but it proved wrong, so wrong that I even felt I was back to zero again.
Yes, I had been in my journey with the two secrets, but somehow failed to face the radical questions of the Gospel imparted by Jesus. And to affirm as the book says, if there is the Jesus who says, “come to me…and I will give you rest…”, there is also a Jesus of “unless a wheat grain falls on the ground and dies…it remains only a single grain.”
So in such personal story, I realized that I forgot to recognize something, and that is – to acknowledge and own the poverty within me. I realized that the unfaced poverty was on the way I controlled and suppressed the emotion of expressing the other side of me unto other people. That is because, pride ruled over me, thus, hiding and controlling the other possible emotions and expressions in order not to show them to other people that would possibly discourage them or spoil their expectations, since they remarked me as a silent and good person and I want to maintain the image. This was what I neglected, unvisited and failed to recognize.
Indeed, acknowledging such things is difficult and alarming, but it is a decisive road towards faith. It is indeed a constant challenge for me to open myself; and once open; there would then be an awakening that would lead me to humility and reverence before God’s grace that would enter in the openness of heart. I remembered the story of Holman Hunt who painted a picture of Christ standing and knocking at the door of a cottage – but a cottage without a door-handle outside. From it, he remarked, “When Christ knocks on the door of your house, it can only be opened from the inside.”
St. Paul, in his life, also struggled these things on his faith-journey. As a man of great faith, he imparted such inspired words that I will quote as to end my reflection:
“…but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.” (NRSV, 2 Cor. 12: 9-10)